I had dream conversation last night with an old friend who, in my mind’s eye, is always smiling, laughing. She’s bright, talented and full of light. When she laughs, she laughs big; throws her head back and laughs with her whole body. You can feel her laughter run through you. It’s contagious and contains the essence of a full life. Even though she’s been through tough times in her own life, I believe she holds, a near-constant lightness of her own being and throughout her life.

   In the dream, she shared with me that she felt that I had gotten away from myself; I had lost an essential part of my true self along with my recent journey. (To give credit where credit is due, my wife Chris, shared the same things weeks ago.) That I had gotten away from my own lightness of being. She pointed out that I used to be light, jovial, full of smiles and laughter, even in my professional world. That this was a core part of who I am that seemed missing. Where did that bigger part of me go, she wondered. Where is it now?

   When we go through difficult times, as I have over the last 18 or so months, we become enveloped by these seemingly overwhelming forces. Health issues within my family, challenges with my business, contemplation of life re-direction, have all been near-perpetually on my plate for the last year and a half. With the issues we face, we are called to manage through them, grit them out and solve the issues. We call on ourselves to buckle down and get serious. To fix, to solve, to work our way through. The strategic mind kicks into overdrive.

   The dream with my friend was short but impactful. And it reminded me of the wide ranges of things that we are responsible for in our life. We take the word responsibility so f’ing seriously. And I have, at least lately, fallen victim to applying it to only serious areas of my life. However, in addition to providing for our families, being good parents, contributing to society, building meaningful and effective vocation, teaching, learning and growing, we are also responsible for our lightness, our joy, our freedom, who and how we love. Not the least of which is our responsibility for our own happiness. 

   As I’m living through these invariable things that life presents, I’m recognizing that there is an invitation to hold seemingly opposing forces in our attention simultaneously. Holding the depth of experience and our true being. Holding joy in my heart and commitment to my work. Living with the realities of our larger world and with love for ourselves, others and life. Integrating the transitions that take place through natural growth and a joy for the journey, regardless of the degree of difficulty. And, how we hold these juxtaposing things, is as important as the awareness that they are held.

   The dream ended with laughter that came with the remembering of a truth that what we owe ourselves is not a success, but the ongoing pursuit of our own happiness; a freeness to live in this world as an act of creation and revelation.

As the poet David Whyte writes in Sweet Darkness:

Thanks, my friend, for the dream reminder.